10+ tips to become the best kisser
We all start somewhere
Let’s get real: Kissing can be totally awesome or super cringeworthy.
Without a doubt, a great kiss or make-out session can leave you feeling pretty darn amazing
Make sure you’re prepared before the moment comes
If you know that kissing might be on the agenda, for example, you might want to skip the garlic bread and onions at dinner.
It also helps to:
Make sure your lips aren’t dry or cracked. Regular lip scrubs, especially during the winter, can help you avoid chapped and peeling lips.
Keep lip balm on hand for a pre-kiss touch-up.
Rely on a breath mint or piece of gum to keep your mouth feeling (and tasting) fresh.
Make sure it’s the right time and place
Don’t forget consent — and respect
Movies and TV shows might make sudden, surprise kisses seem romantic, but it’s essential to have someone’s consent before you touch or kiss them.
The mood might seem just right, sure. You can’t know for sure whether someone actually wants to be kissed, though, unless you ask.
People often think asking for consent makes a situation awkward or stilted, but that doesn’t have to be the case at all.
1. When in doubt, consider the type of kiss you’re going for
Want to show affection in public without full-blown PDA? Try a quick peck on the shoulder while waiting in line at the movie theater.
Ready for some foreplay? A lingering trail of kisses on their neck can leave them trembling.
Remember, you don’t have to plant a kiss on the lips every time. Starting slow and building up tension can often be a better option than coming on strong from the beginning.
2. Keep your mouth relaxed
Try not to force your pucker or kiss too hard.
When in doubt, mirror what your partner is doing, since most people tend to kiss in a way they enjoy.
Think of a good kiss as an exchange, not one person running the show.
3. Pay attention to body language
Physical cues — moving closer, pulling away — can tell you more about what your partner likes and doesn’t like.
Not everyone uses verbal cues, especially when their lips are otherwise occupied. That means you can learn more about what is (and isn’t) working by paying close attention to your partner.
Don’t drive the kissing party to where it only benefits you. The best kiss is one where both partners are happy.
4. Introduce your tongue slowly.
Kissing with tongue (also known as French kissing) can be really pleasurable for some people, but you should make sure to introduce your tongue into your partner’s mouth slowly and sensually. (Unless you’ve both verbalized that you’re into more intense tongue action right off the bat.) As you may have experienced, an unexpected tongue darting in and out of your mouth can be an unwelcome surprise.
“Chemistry and harmony of the tongue make kisses amazing,” Michelle, 27, from Texas, tells SELF. “When you just slow down and channel the other person’s next move, you feel connected to them intimately.”
5. Build your way up to sharing more saliva.
Among people who love French kissing, everyone has a different threshold for the intensity. Sharing each other’s saliva can feel very intimate for some people, so it’s best to build your way up slowly, and make sure your partner is enjoying it, too.
Of course, “slobber,” “sloppy,” and “happy saliva medium” are relative terms when it comes to spit-swapping. One person’s overwhelming slobber can be another’s super-sexy, romantic French kissing session. You won’t know how your kissing partner feels about saliva unless you ask. Even something as simple as, “Is this OK?” or, “Do you like that?” may do the trick.
6. Use your hands.
Kissing can be about more than just the lips. Holding and caressing your partner’s face and body can take the romance into new territory. “A good kisser will kiss with their lips but reinforce with subtle gestures of bodily intimacy,” Gabriella, 21, of Pennsylvania, tells SELF.
JJ, 47, from Idaho, says she adores when her fiancé uses his hands as well as his lips. “He has this whole-body approach that I love,” she tells SELF. “He has his hands in my hair, and he pulls me in close, really tightly, and presses against me.”
Maria, 55, from Washington, D.C., agrees. “I love when a man holds my face when he kisses me,” she tells SELF. “It makes me feel cherished.”
If you introduce your hands when kissing, you’ll still want to proceed slowly and make sure to be attuned to your partner’s body. “Start out [sensually], hold their face, or have a hand gently placed at the back of the neck,” says Alanna. “Listen to their body and your own.”
And remember it’s always good to ask if you’re even remotely unsure about how your partner feels about what you’re doing or want to do, whether it’s touching their body or anything else.
7. If you’re going to bite, be extremely gentle.
When it comes to delivering little nips or bites, you want to be frisky as opposed to accidentally harmful. No drawing blood allowed!
Urszula, 24, from New York, tells SELF that the best bites for her are infused with a sense of play. Thus far, she’s shared her most sublime kisses, which were “full of passion and love,” with an ex-boyfriend. “We'd ... tend to bite each other’s lips lightly,” she says. “We'd look into each other eyes and see the love between us.”
Try gently nibbling your partner’s bottom lip while you’re kissing, then gauge their response and move from there.
8. Keep your lips soft.
No matter how bomb your kissing technique, dry, cracked lips can make the experience uncomfortable for both partners. It's worth doing what you can to keep your lips soft for everyone’s pleasure. “Having soft, pillowy lips makes everything better,” Annie says.
If you’re not a regular lip balm user, now would be the time to start. If you have a lot of dead, flaky skin on your lips, don’t pick at it. This can lead to bleeding. Instead, regularly exfoliate your lips with a wet washcloth or a sugary lip scrub, and then apply a thick layer of moisturizing balm right before bed. Adding a humidifier to your bedroom while you sleep can add to this routine’s moisturizing power. For even more tips, here’s SELF’s full guide to getting the softest lips possible. (If a medical concern such as cold sores is affecting your lips, these tips won’t cut it—see your primary care physician or dermatologist for proper treatment.)
9. Be in the moment.
Kim, 58, from Arkansas, says that staying rooted in the kissing experience is of the utmost importance. “A bad kisser is one [who] isn't giving their partner full attention,” she tells SELF.
If you’re distracted, you might miss out on apparent cues that your partner is loving the kiss, like tiny moans or the way they’re leaning into you. Being in the moment can also help you notice if your partner is doing something like slightly pulling away, in which case you can back off and make sure they’re OK with continuing to kiss.
Finally, being in the moment allows you to fully give yourself over to kissing’s heady rush. It’s a classic way to make it a better experience for both of you.
10. Gradually increase the intensity
There’s no need to go full steam ahead into a heavy make-out session. At the same time, you may not want to drag a single kiss out too long.
Gradually build up the kiss into something more. Don’t be afraid to use your body language to tell your partner what you like and don’t like. Communication, even nonverbal, is key.
11. If you want to heat things up even more
Whether you’re kissing as a part of foreplay or simply enjoying the act, it’s always a good idea to talk with your partner about different forms of intimacy and what you hope to build with them.
Not every kiss needs to lead to oral or penetrative sex. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss — and that’s OK.
Interested in a sexual relationship but not sure how to bring that up? We’ve got a few tips.
